I have attempted to avoid and at the same time visualize this day millions of times over and over in my head. While pregnant I used to think about this day so much it gave me anxiety.
When I was in the hospital September first seemed really really far away...yet so soon.
This days is...
The day I return to work full time. Twelve weeks came and went. Fast. Way too fast.
I spent 2 months recovering from my delivery and all of the infections that followed it, thanks to a few "medical accidents".
Only a few weeks ago did I start to feel better and was truly able to enjoy my time off with Asher without any distractions medically.
But as of September first it will all be in the past.
I never thought I would be the type that wanted to be a full time mom.
I have been known to prove myself wrong many times and this is one of those times.
When I think about what this all means to me and how I got to where I am now I am baffled.
Staying at home full time as a mom is not an option...financially...at this point in our lives.
Do I regret some decisions we made before getting pregnant to put us in this position? Possibly...
But this is the life we live. Still a great life indeed.
Aside from all of my whining about going back to work I must confess that I have the second best arrangement for my little love. Since I am obviously not going to be a full time mom and full time daycare before the age of one was not an option we were willing to entertain, I tried to figure out a way that my little love bug could have nothing but the second best option.
Both of our mom's arranged their work schedules so that they could care for Asher for one full day each week. (I hope I can do this for my children one day!) Asher LOVES both Softa and Nana so I am thrilled that he will be with them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I will be able to visit Asher during lunch since our moms both live under 3 miles from our house (which is where I work).
After a lot of stress and patience we found a fantastic nanny, Debby (well she starts Monday, but we know she will be fantastic). She will watch Asher in our home on Monday, Wednesday and Friday which will allow me to still breast feed him at lunch. Debby is a wife, mother of two daughters (who also both nanny) and a grandmother of 3. Her younger daughter just had a baby boy 2 weeks after me! Debby lives 10 minutes away over the border in South Carolina.
Asher will be in the best hands. We are blessed.
As I watch myself type and hear myself gripe as I am still torn with leaving my son in someone else's care for those 7 hours each day (probably less because he sleeps so much!) I continue to tell myself it is going to be OK. So many other mom's do it too and their children turn out OK. But it is still unsettling to say the least.
Although I do not cry when I leave him (yes, he goes to his Nana and Softa's A LOT already!) I am struggling with the idea of not being with him to comfort him when he cries or when he wakes up in the morning from his mid morning nap to see that big smile on his face or to watch him discover new things in life.
I will be OK. He will be great. Pray for us (me, cough cough!) come September first.
Love the Struggling soon to be Successful Mommy
Renee, I am so sorry that you are struggling with this right now. There are so many moms who struggle with the same thing, because they have to go back to work. But you are indeed blessed to have a nanny in your home (basically in the next room from your work:) and the grandmothers on the other days to care for Asher. And who says that you can't steal away from work for 5 minutes to love on him when he wakes up?!? Praying for you as you find this balance!
ReplyDeletesounds like you've got the perfect set up!! it will be so good for asher to have every day relationships with other people, and you'll get used to it, i promise! you'll treasure your afternoon/evenings with him even more. i hope the transition goes well for both of you... stay positive. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope it goes smoothly! Sounds like you have a great set-up for both you and Asher. He's a blessed little boy to have a Mommy (and Daddy) who love him so much. I'll be thinking of you as you make this transition and look forward to hearing how things go!
ReplyDeleteOh, Renee, bless your heart. I will be praying for you and this entire situation. I pray you will find peace in the midst of all of this.
ReplyDeleteWhen you and Eliza were born I lived in a city far away from family. I did not have anyone to babysit for you or to help me. You have so much love around you and are SO lucky to have Asher right there in the next room while you work. You can run in and give him a hug anytime. On Tuesdays and Thursdays Asher will be spoiled, kissed, and cuddled by his favorite grandmas! You can go to work each day knowing that your baby is well cared for and knowing you can stop in to see him several times a day. Hopefully, one day, you will be able to cut your hours and enjoy more time with him. You and Philip are doing a great job!
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