There is no doubt I'm an anxious person.
There is no denying that I have Chron's Disease.
The two make for a terrible combination...
....one that is spinning out of control post pregnancy.
No, this is not postpartum depression. Just anxiety.
I hate anxiety.
The feeling I get in my stomach when its in knots
or when my heart races.
It suffocates me.
It is becoming routine again.
ugh.
I so didnt miss the stomach part during pregnancy.
For some reason I didnt have any stomach issues my entire pregnancy.
I felt normal again.
now...
I eat. I feel sick. I get sick (Im not bulimic).
Then Im hungry again and still anxious.
Vicious cycle.I am anxious about finding a nanny that we can afford for the days we need.
I am anxious about going back to work
I am anxious about Asher's reflux
I WAS anxious about getting the 100+ thank you notes finished...but they are done
I get anxious about whether or not I will get to shower or eat a meal during the day
I am anxious because my one and only little sister is getting married in 3 months (this isnt a bad thing, just makes me anxious)
I am anxious about not working out as much
I am anxious about my tear not healing properly...resulting in other issues
I am anxious.
Yup. I just laid it all out for you.
Do what you want with it...
I know there are many of you that read this blog that I dont know read it.
Closet readers!
Or many of you that I don't even know period.
That is fine. I am obviously not a private person.
I am sure I am anxious about other stuff too...but its not on my mind right now.
I need some natural herbal remedies for this anxiety....pronto.
Any suggestions?
I do plan to go for a massage and have a glass of wine.
I'm always one to push the meds, but maybe some anti-anxiety medicine would be helpful? I know you can take mild ones while breast-feeding. For a nanny, out of curiosity, what hours/wage are you looking for? I might know some interested gals. Have you posted on SitterCity?
ReplyDeleteI am a closet reader but felt that you need a little support. These first few months are so very hard but I promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I personally hit a wall when my daughter was 6 weeks old; I was not depressed but I felt like I did not recognize my life anymore and I was not sure what to do. Accept any help that you are offered and take a little time out for yourself each day(without feeling guilt), even if it is just for a quick walk up the street by yourself with a Luna Bar. Your life has changed for the better; it is hard at first to not have routines or a schedule but you will embrace it sooner than later. Herbal remedies are tricky while breast feeding and you must mention your feelings to your doctor so that you can be monitored. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your beautiful baby.
ReplyDeletehave you tried "Rescue Remedy"? Have it at Earthfare and such...
ReplyDeleteI too am a closet reader. As a mom of two children, what you are feeling is so natural. It is hard to find a new "normal" when a baby comes. Take time to do something for yourself like the other reader said. Things will settle down and you will feel less anxious as life works out. I am also a working mommy and totally understand your plight regarding child care. It can be really frustating at times. The biggest thing I did was kept calling people until I found exactly what I was looking for. You will find it too. Hang in there. You are doing a wonderful job.
ReplyDeleteI am a closet reader -- and I am addicted to your blog! Renee, you are a strong and brave woman. It is so hard to be where you are right now -- you love to plan and be in control, and you just can't control how your world changes after a baby comes into your life!
ReplyDeleteIt is GREAT that you have the outlet of your blog to post your anxieties. Keep using it!
Some ideas:
-Have you checked http://www.charlottemommies.com/ for leads on a nanny?
-Ask your doctor if you would be a good candidate for Wellbutrin. It is not an herbal remedy for anxiety, but it is a Type B class drug during nursing.
-There are MANY herbal healing strategies for tearing that really work. They include using a nori (seaweed) pack and others. Can you ask your doctor to recommend a naturalist to help, or ask your mom to help you find one, with your doctor's input?
-Regarding Crohn's, have you tried cutting out dairy and wheat? Go easy on your system now....your body has been through a lot. Do your meds need adjusting? If you aren't on meds, are there some you could use while nursing that would help? There are specialists at Duke that would offer suggestions.
-As much as you can, don't worry about working out now. You've lost weight before, and you can do it again. You are beautiful, Philip loves you, and when Asher is a little older you'll have much more time to devote to fitness. Make a commitment to putting him in the stroller and taking long walks whenever you can. Take Bella. A much as your body allows it, just walk. That's all the working out you need to be doing right now.
You've got a big fan club, even though you don't know it. You are surrounded by love. No one expects you to be perfect -- go easy on yourself and know that this, too, shall pass.
Hey friend! Thanks for your honesty and transparency in this post. And please hear me on this one: You are not alone! So many young mothers experience exactly what you are feeling right now. And, yes, it will pass.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things to encourage you:
1. You are Asher's Mommy and he thinks you look beautiful whether you've showered or not. Right now, he doesn't see oily hair or the same clothes. He sees his mama that he adores.
2. Don't worry about working out right now. Lifting Asher and breastfeeding him are the two biggest things that you can do! The weight will literally drop off, and for me, the last few pounds came when I weaned my two at a year old. I know that the same will happen for you if not sooner. And like the comment before said, take a walk if you can. That is great exercise that's not too taxing on your body right now.
3. As far as work and a nanny go, pray about it. I love the Bible verse that says, "Cast your cares on the Lord for He cares for you." That is what you should do. Tell Him your worries, your concerns, your anxieties. He cares for you, He loves you, and He knows your future. Praying always helps ease my fears, anxieties, and worries.
I love you and think you are doing a great job! I'll be praying for you!
I've had TONS of girlfriends deal with anxiety, so you are definitely not alone! I fall at the other end of the spectrum... probably more relaxed than I should be about things. But, of course I had to do some major adjusting to a new lifestyle as a mom!
ReplyDeleteAs far as the shower goes: WHO CARES?? If Asher's totally making it impossible, then just hop in right when Philip gets home. That way, you can make it through the evening feeling more like yourself.
And as for your meals: they are very important! Especially with your health issues AND breastfeeding!! You know what? He will be totally fine if you have to just let him be upset while you eat. The best kind of mommy takes care of herself so that she can better take care of her kiddos.
I will be praying for your nanny situation. I understand how you must feel. It's just one of those things that has to fall into place.
Okay, working out: hello woman, give yourself a break! Be proud that your body has carried, delivered, and cared for a growing human being! And it did all those things very successfully I might add!
I know saying "don't worry" to a person who can't help feeling anxious is a little ridiculous. But really, you're doing everything right!
Asher is happy!
Asher is growing!
Your husband loves you!
You're a mom!
This comment is really long!
I'm gonna stop now!
:)
Thanks for being so honest Renee. I feel like I can identify quite closely with what you're feeling. I had a great deal of anxiety after Tate was born too. It got better for me and it WILL get better for you too. One day Asher will be better and one day your body will catch up and be better too. It is a painful process getting there. A waiting game. But each day is one day closer to feeling good.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions: Get sleep. As soon as Tate started sleeping better, I started feeling better b/c I was catching more zzz's. Do you have a Mom or Mom-in-law willing to come over and watch Asher in between feedings during the day, so you can nap? This may not be an issue for me, but I had trouble resting when my first was sleeping.
And Immodium was a helpful tool for me. Not sure it would be for you, but maybe worth a shot. It helped with the nausea too.
Also, you're doing a great job and I will continue to pray for both you and Asher physically. One of my fav. verses is "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition and thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God will trancend your hearts and your minds...." I am reminded not to be anxious, although it's hard when your body is telling you something else.
I'm not sure if that's any encouragement to you, but know you're not the only mom out there with these feelings. I think if most mom's were honest, they had some of the same issues post-delivery. But for some reason these hard days don't get talked about enough.
Keep up the good work and know you're being thought of and prayed for!
Honestly, like I told you today, I think it's a matter of time and patience. Know everything is a phase. You will get into a routine that allows you to shower. You will get into a routine that allows you to work out (though maybe not always as often as you'd like). You will get a routine that allows you to eat ;-). With babies, it seems that as soon as you get things figured out as they are, a new phase comes along, sometimes making life easier, sometimes a little bumpy. But the bottom line is you know always that at some point it will change again, even if you can't see the way out in plain daylight. That's what brings me calm when I'm in the middle of a new phase of night wakings, or tantrum throwing, or whatever it may be. And the truth is, the thing that stinks about motherhood, is that you are constantly trying to figure out how to muddle through your current phase, and it's so consuming that you kind of miss it when it's gone. Love you. You're doing great, and it WILL get easier...just sometimes takes longer than you would like...so the best thing to do is surrender yourself to it, and find ways to enjoy the moments that work out the way you hope.
ReplyDeleteRenee', just remember that you have a HUGE support system here in Charlotte. TWO sets of grandparents ready and willing to help anytime. You have a very loving husband who is there for you and Asher all the time. My suggestions are the following:
ReplyDelete1- Try some yoga and meditation whenever you have some time alone without Asher to try to relax.
2- Stop trying to be perfect.
3- Learn how to say NO. It is OK to turn down an invitation when you are too tired to go out. It is OK to say NO when you and your family come first. Everyone else can wait.
4- Go out with Philip at least once each week on a date night. You two need some 'alone' time.
5- Go to the doctor for medication to help your anxiety if nothing else works to relieve it.
You and Philip are doing a great job with Asher and there is no need to worry. Just love him and each other and you will be fine.
Love, Mom :)